Is Gentle Parenting Effective?
“We scold you because we love you.” If you grew up in a traditional Asian household, you likely didn’t just hear that phrase—you lived it. The cane might’ve hung behind the door, or maybe your parents would shoot you that look that instantly froze you in place. Many of us were raised believing love and discipline were the same. The stricter the parent, the better the outcome. And for a time, that approach seemed to work. Or at least, it was the only way we knew.
But now, as some of us become parents or take on roles as teachers, mentors, uncles, and aunties, we’re starting to ask new questions. Do children need fear to learn? Does scolding shape character—or just obedience? Are there other ways to raise kind, capable, grounded kids without losing our minds?
Recently, gentle parenting has emerged as a fascinating approach that’s captured the attention of many. Some believe it’s the solution we’ve all been searching for, while others think it might be a bit too lenient or overly idealistic. So, what is it? And does it hold up, especially in an Asian context where discipline is often seen as love?
What is Gentle Parenting?
For starters, gentle parenting is not about letting kids do whatever they want; it’s not sparing the rod and spoiling the child. Gentle parenting involves setting boundaries and expectations, and at its core, it emphasises respect, empathy, understanding, and boundaries. Instead of controlling children through fear or punishment, it focuses on building a connection and guiding children through their emotions.
For example, a parent who practises gentle parenting might say:
“I know you’re upset because you wanted to stay longer at the playground. It’s okay to feel sad. But it’s time to go home now. We can come back another day.”
Compare that to a more traditional response:
“Stop crying! I said we’re going home. Don’t make me count to three! 1…2...”
The difference isn’t just in tone—it’s in intention. Gentle parenting recognises that behaviour is a form of communication. A tantrum isn’t just “naughtiness”—it might be a cry for help, or a child struggling with big emotions they don’t yet know how to handle.
Though it’s one thing to preach, and another to practice. Going down this path is by no means easy. In fact, staying calm when your child is testing your patience requires immense effort. However, research has shown that children raised in this way tend to grow up more emotionally secure, better at managing their feelings, and more open to cooperation rather than defiance.
A Look at Traditional Asian Parenting
Many of us were brought up in households where obedience was non-negotiable, children were “seen, not heard,” and emotions were often pushed aside for the sake of discipline. There was usually a lot of love, but it came bundled with high expectations, academic pressure, and a fair share of scolding or even spanking.
We were taught that respect meant doing what we were told, that failure brought shame, and that pushing children hard would make them resilient.
And in many cases, we did become capable, hardworking adults. But some of us also grew up with anxiety, self-doubt, or difficulty expressing ourselves. We may have struggled to talk openly with our parents or even feared disappointing them more than anything else.
That doesn’t mean our parents got it all wrong. Their love was real, even if it was expressed through discipline, high expectations, or tough love. They did their best, often guided by their own experiences growing up. However, times have changed, and as we step into adulthood and caregiving roles of our own, we start to notice that parenting isn’t just about shaping behaviour, but rather, about shaping relationships.
This shift in perspective invites us to reflect and explore other approaches, something gentler yet structured. One such approach can be found in the teachings of Buddhism, which offer meaningful guidance for raising children with compassion, awareness, and respect.
The Buddhist Approach to Parenting
In Buddhism, the goal is not to control but to guide. It teaches us to act with mindfulness, compassion, and intention, including how we relate to children. This can be challenging when your toddler is having a meltdown in public or when your teenager just slammed their door. However, Buddhist principles provide gentle reminders for these very moments.
Here are a few principles to guide you in parenting with love and compassion:
Right Speech: Speak truthfully and kindly. Even when correcting a child, choose words that guide, not shame. Instead of “What’s wrong with you?” say, “Let’s talk about what happened. I want to understand.”
Compassion: Kids are still learning, and mistakes are part of the process. When we respond with patience instead of punishment, we teach them they’re loved even when they mess up.
Non-attachment: Let go of rigid expectations of who our child “should” be. Be open and supportive of their unique journey, rather than forcing them into fitting our expectations.
Skilful Means: Be resourceful and equipped with the knowledge of what developmental stage our child is at. To be aware of how to guide our child with wisdom at the age our child is at.
Awareness: As parents, sometimes we might get frustrated with the guiding process. We have to be aware of our emotions – whether we are teaching the child or having a meltdown ourselves.
However, boundaries must still be set, as structure helps children feel safe. It’s about providing that structure with kindness rather than control.
Thekchen Choling’s Youth League
At Thekchen Choling, we see this approach in action through our Youth League, where children and teens are encouraged to grow through mindfulness, teamwork, and self-awareness.
Rather than just telling them how to behave, through our dharma teachings and youth activities, we give them space to discover what matters to them and how they want to show up in the world.
One recent example? A youth-led hiking initiative.
Over two weekends in March, our Youth League members planned and led their hikes—first a 4km trail at Rifle Range, then an 8km route through MacRitchie. They weren’t just walking; they were learning how to pace as a team, communicate supportively, and stay aware of each other’s needs.
After each hike, they reflected on how they managed their energy and mindset, how they supported their team, when they stepped up, and when they stepped back.
These lessons may not show up on a report card, but they shape character in ways that last a lifetime. And that’s what we aim to nurture—not just high performers, but kind, grounded, mindful individuals.
Closing Thoughts: Growing Together
Parenting is a long and challenging journey—often messy, sometimes overwhelming, but always meaningful.
Whether you lean more traditional or are exploring a new way, the heart of parenting remains the same: to guide with love.
At the end of the day, there’s no single path to raising kind, thoughtful children. It’s just about showing up with awareness and love and giving ourselves the same patience we try to give our kids.
At Thekchen Choling, we invite families, teachers, and caregivers to join us in this shared journey. Through the Youth League and other programmes, we’re building a space where young people can discover their values, express themselves, and practise what it means to be mindful, compassionate humans.
If you’re interested to learn more, follow our Youth League on Facebook to see how we explore Buddhism through real-world experiences, creative expression, and meaningful friendships.
Because raising children isn’t just about telling them what to do—it’s about showing up, again and again, with open hearts and curious minds.